My Illness

My illness
An ugly thought
Shame and fear
That poisons my insides
It stirs and stirs
All that is in me
Until I can’t hold it in
Any longer
And I vomit it up
All the garbage I allowed
To grow up inside there
My body shakes
My forehead sweats
My eyes fill with tears
And my mouth opens
To beg with words
“Lord, God, please!
Please end this misery in me!”
But how can it end?
He must remove all the gunk in me
All the filth I ate up
Instead of His Word to refresh me
His Word
What a delightful thing
Bread to the belly
And honey to the tongue
Comfort for the mournful
And delight to the heart
His Word
How it used to dazzle my eyes
Make me gasp in wonder
Cause me to sing in praise
But now I am too proud
I wallow in what seems to me
To be rich and fulfilling
But really makes me
A drunken fool
I partake in it every day
Whenever my trembling hands
Do seize upon it
And I fall deeper and deeper
Into nothingness
To the point where I doubt
Even my own
And the thought of this
It terrifies my soul
I beg the LORD
“Please assure me!”
But I continue in my drunken state
How can He assure me?
How can He speak to me?
When it is Him and His Word
I have denied to my very soul?
I have forsaken my first love
But now
In His great mercy
The time of vomiting has come
To remove this filth
From my bosom
And make me holy
As He is holy
And now I look
At the words in Jeremiah 15
‘15 O LORD, you know;
remember me and visit me,
stand take vengeance for me on my persecutors.
In your forbearance take me not away;
know that for your sake I bear reproach.
16 Your words were found, and I ate them,
and your words became to me a joy
and the delight of my heart,
for I am called by your name,
O LORD, God of hosts.
17 I did not sit in the company of revelers,
nor did I rejoice;
I sat alone, because your hand was upon me,
for you had filled me with indignation.
18 Why is my pain unceasing,
my wound incurable,
refusing to be healed?
Will you be to me like a deceitful brook,
like waters that fail?
19 Therefore thus says the LORD:
“If you return, I will restore you,
and you shall stand before me.
If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless,
you shall be as my mouth.
They shall turn to you,
but you shall not turn to them.
20 And I will make you to this people
a fortified wall of bronze;
they will fight against you,
but they shall not prevail over you,
for I am with you
to save you and deliver you,
declares the LORD.
21 I will deliver you out of the hand of the wicked,
and redeem you from the grasp of the ruthless.”’
I know these are words
Between Jeremiah and the LORD
But when I read the words
The words spoken by the LORD
About returning
And not speaking what is worthless
I feel as if He is speaking those words to me
And all I can do is pray
Remove all that is in me that is worthless
That I may have Your words
And be as bronze


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