I felt it breeding in my heart as I fell deeper and deeper into bad habits.
What did I fill my time with?
The laziness the world had to offer me.
What did I run to when depression or fear overtook my heart?
I ran to worldly pleasures, seeking for the ugly feelings to be drowned out by nothingness.
And as I gave into the laziness to be guide through life, I felt an ugliness in my heart.
And I could not give it a name.
No, I would not give it its name.
But still I hated to feel its ugly head of shame inside of me.
One evening I read the bible.
Because I knew I ought to.
And in my head came the reference, “Psalm 36”.
And so I turned to it, not knowing what to expect.
And this is what the LORD showed me.
“An oracle is within my heart
Concerning the sinfulness of the wicked:
There is no fear of God
Before his eyes.
For in his own eyes he flatters himself
Too much to detect or hate his sin.
The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful;
He has ceased to be wise and to do good.
Even on his bed he plots evil;
He commits himself to a sinful course
And des not reject what is wrong.
“Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
Your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, You preserve both man and beast.
How priceless is Your unfailing love!
Both high and low,
Men find refuge in the shadow of Your wings.
They feast on the abundance of Your house;
You give them drink from Your river of delights.
For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light.
Continue Your love to those who know You,
Your righteousness to the upright in heart.
May the foot of the proud not come against me,
Nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
See how the evildoers lie fallen–
Not able to rise!”
I have become wicked.
A fool, unable to do good.
But the LORD
He is faithful
He will not abandon His people
Those who turn to Him as a refuge for help
I have filled my head with worldliness
I want to be filled with abundance
A river of delights
Surrounded by the wings
Of the LORD
I want to be filled with Him
My All in all.